


My love, my time, my death

by Liah



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character Development, Happy Enging, M/M, Mentally Strong Yuuri Katsuki, Serious Illness, Team as Family, Yakov as father figure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-28 11:39:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10830525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liah/pseuds/Liah
Summary: Once upon a time, there were three brothers. The prince had to find out their names to ensure happy life.(or: Victor had to become seriously sick to realize that he never was and never will be alone)





	1. new challenge

With Victor it was always about context. 

It was difficult to understand this man and even more difficult to explain this matter properly – well, you would probably laugh if Yakov told you that Victor Nikiforov was in fact the most private person he had ever met. Impossible to believe but still the truth, the Yakov would said.   
I might be unbelievable, but good old Yakov would be right. Victor Nikiforov, flirty and carefree as he seemed to be, was very private man. It was just really hard to see because… he was secretive in his… own unconventional ways. Your first impression of him was that you know him well enough just after few hours spent with him and that was exactly what Victor wanted.   
So when the living skating legend invited Yakov for few drinks into his flat at Tuesday after training with no apparent reason to do so, all skaters within their earshot grumped disapprovingly. Nobody asked why though - it was ridiculous to drink when season is going to start just in week and every hour of focused training without headache was valued, but well… it was something what irresponsible Victor Nikiforov would do. Yurio murmured something about over talented idiots and Mila started to tease him – maybe star of the ice is nervous before next competition?   
Just Yakov was quiet.   
“Sure,” he said finally and his fellow skater looked at him in awe. Did Victor blackmailed him or did he lose some bet or-?  
“I will give Yurio lift to his grandfather and then I am going to come to your apartment at seven. I hope you have some good vodka for me, Vitya.”  
“The best one,” winked Victor at him. Yakov just nodded without another commend or glance at him, taking care of another skaters and pointing out what they need to focus on next day.   
Everything was about context. Every person – even the simplest ones – were actually complicated, creating universes on their own, formed by their experiences, interactions and goals. Everyone has his story. But these were lections which hardly anyone realized and Yakov was not there to explain it to his stupid brats. At least not yet.

Victor´s father was alcoholic and hit Vitya too many times in his drunkenness before his parents got divorced. Thanks to that Yakov never had problems with drinking Victor not even when he was a teenager and to say that that boy was problematic kid would be understatement of the year. But Victor Nikiforov drunk occasionally and only when it was absolutely expected of him. He would never want alcohol in the middle of the week and especially not with Yakov – he would never allow Yakov to see him in unpresentable state since he was twenty.   
It started to snow softly snowflakes falling from the grey sky so slowly it seems that they actually stopped in the air. It was so cold that it even hurts to breathe.   
If Yakov drove his car with little less patience than another days, Yurio rather left it without comment.  
*** *** ***   
“I am glad you came,” said Victor when he opened the door. He was quieter and his eyes more focused– exact opposite of himself during trainings except of times when he was skating himself. But older man was used to it – he has his suspicious that he was only one who had seen this Victor out of ice.  
Yakov came inside without comment while Victor pour him a promised vodka and made himself a tea. They sat down and Yakov drunk two or three cups silently, scanning for him well known flat for some clue of this session.  
Only difference was that there were more books in already ridiculously full bookshelves – Victor likes reading in evenings and it was evident in the way how casually he threw random facts at Yakov. That dork even learnt basics of Japanese without apparent reason.   
“Tell me what´s going on already, boy.” whimpered Yakov as impatient as always. Victor broke out but then he just put some papers at table for Yakov to see without another ceremony.   
“What is it?” asked Yakov hesitantly and drew them up to read them.

“My diagnosis.” 

Yakov read it. There were many words he did not understand, medical terms, for Christ sake, could not they write it normally? He read it twice and then another time, just for sure – maybe he did not get it correctly? Please…  
“Prognosis?” he managed to choke out and drunk another cup at once. He felt suddenly so cold…  
“Seventy percent of patients make it through. I will start chemotherapy next Monday,” he just answered.  
“Good,” said Yakov and closed his eyes unable to look at boy in front of him. He looks so well, full of energy and elegance, he was witness of it every day for nearly decade and actually…. Actually…  
He had a cancer.   
“So, obviously I need to take year off and I will need your help with it.”  
“I will support you during procedures, you don´t have to ask, stupid boy,” answered his coach.   
Victor blinked, surprised expression on his face. What did he expect? That Yakov would give him a cold shoulder? “It is appreciated but I did not have this on my mind. Actually my procedures won´t be that harsh that you would think or at least my doctor said so. Evidently they made a big progress in treatment of cancer last years but I need you to cover me.”  
“Explain yourself,” Yakov barked. He just felt so… so…  
“I don´t want to people to know I am seriously sick. It is not their business. And I don´t want to distract you or Mila or Yurio, too– they need to focus on a season. You are aware how important this season for Yurio is.”  
Yakov knew, of course. First season at senior´s was first serious introduction to the public and new rivals. Impression you will make will stay with you for the rest of career, Victor was right in some way but-  
“What do you want to do?”  
“I will take year off because of lack of inspiration,” Victor proclaimed with the small smile which does not reach his eyes, “people won´t question me, I am a champion of Russia after all. And meanwhile I will go to the Japan.”  
“You really want to train that Japanese skater you had met at banquet, don´t you? I would never thought that you would give so much thoughts to some drunk crush.”  
“In another circumstances probably not,” agreed Victor, playing with his own empty cup, not looking Yakov in the eyes ,“but I need something to do while I will make procedures and you know I cannot be away ice for long. This is good compromise.”  
Older Russian took deep breath,“you have never coached someone. You will be responsible for career of somebody else, it is more exhausting that it seems to be. And what about your procedures, stupid boy?”  
“My procedures are already arranged in Hatetsu hospital. And another things…” he mumbled, actually showing his uncertainty for the first time, “we will see.”   
“You seems to be really calm,” observed coach, looking at Victor´s composed person.   
“It is just another obstacle, Yakov, “Victor shrugged.  
“Vitya…”   
“It is same like situation with my father. It is same like compete against older skaters and winning. It is like endless training with you. I am not used to loose and I won´t start with it now, Yakov. I will get it through. I am going to skate again,” his voice was made of steel and determination.  
And at this point, Yakov´s will to not to think about it, not to react to this too much turned into ashes.   
In his inner vision he could just see snatches of Victor´s flawless routines, his jumps, his limps full of life and his performances full of energy as Victor himself in his life was. He could not bear the idea that just in few weeks he won´t be capable these things. All of their work… all of Victor´s talent…  
“Goddammit, Victor,” growled Yakov, half sob, half angry curse and hit the table with his fist – their drinks spilled out. Skater blinked again, taken aback by his coach reaction.  
Later, when Victor would ask him about his outburst, he would say that he drank too much. But in that moment his arms were trembling in silent angry cry. He could not remember when he was angry like this last time. Maybe when Victor came to him, sixteen, his long hair cut in short disaster by some bullies? Yakov took him to hairdresser and calmed him down and took him home. Then he just had to go to bar for few drinks and then he even had to use his old nearly forgotten punchbag to blow off some steam, seeing everything in red for long hours  
“Yakov…” said Victor in awe. Then he stood up hesitantly and came to him, putting hand at his arm little akwardly, “It will be okay. I promise.”  
“Hell that you will,” said Yakov, trying to calm down, “Christ sake.”  
There they were, that young idiotic student of his, comforting him, although it should be reversed.  
Well, there was nothing what was normal with Victor Nikiforov. Yakov should had been used to it after so many years.


	2. no morals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when death is closer than you expected... there is no place for morals.

He thought that to be a coach would be easy – he was talented and he could be supportive so what was the matter?  
He thought that to become a friend (or lover) of Yuuri Katsuki would be even easier after how close they were that night after Grand Prix.  
He would not be more wrong even if he _tried_. 

Evidently, he should have listened to the Yakov at least once (Yakov was his main… pillar these days. That man was strict as always but somehow even without too much effort… he kept him straight. Because if Yakov can function normally with knowledge of his cancer, Victor surely can do it too, can´t he?)

So, yes, coaching required his gift for skating but it was hardly enough – he has to learn not how to show his thoughts on ice by his moves but how to _explain_ them. And that was incredibly difficult.

He could be supportive but he had to realize that every student need another approach, another way how to be supported by his coach –one required cheering, another friendship or strict attitude as Victor as student needed (and these days Victor was finally able to appreciate Yakov´s way of coaching – without someone who was harsh with him he would never achieve his full potential and he was finally aware of it). Conclusion was that wrong attitude to particular student was disaster. Victor was struggling with this – he was not sure about right attitude with Yuuri, he did not find it out yet. 

When he came to Hatetsu he supposed that he will work with cheeky, little over-confident skater – you cannot blame Victor after his first interaction with Yuuri during that drunken night. He wondered that maybe they would become lovers maybe, nothing serious, just casual few night stands. It would be a nice benefit. And after Grand Prix they would parted their ways in good terms with some nice memories for lonely nights. 

Instead of that he got shy boy with lack of self – confidence and heart of glass. But he had ridiculous amount of unused potential which screamed for Victor´s attention. 

To say that Victor was surprised by development of things would be statement of the year (and yeah, even with comparison of his bloody condition).

To fall in love with Yuuri was unprofessional and absolutely breath-taking. And still, it was as natural as skating itself – Victor could not prevent it. 

He was musing about it a lot during sleepless nights, watching sakura´s pink petals falling onto ground softly like snow through window of his small room. It was difficult matter and he was aware that… it was absolutely unfair to Yuuri. Japanese man fell for him without knowledge of his disease. It was big burden and Victor cannot expect from Yuuri to stay with him in this condition. He has his career to focus on, his life and happiness to live without shadow of Victor´s cancer.  
But there was another matter… he felt alive in arms of this shy but still strong boy. He was falling for him deeper and deeper every day, truly feels romantic love for the very first time in his life.   
He cursed his situation – life was surely laughing at him, sending him someone who he was looking for all his life right now. 

But when you are in situation like Victor was… everything in normal life somehow seemed to be little less complicated and depended on morals. Every day counted. Each opportunity, each memory… because you had no certainty you will get another one.

Victor was in love with Yuuri.  
So Victor will stay with Yuuri. It was that simple.   
He was ready for consequences. He was aware that this won´t end happily and the moment when Yuuri will refuse him for these lies, for his stigma, will finally kill his heart. But during that sleepless nights, feeling of loneliness and cold embracing him like a blanket, crawling, desperate want to be embraced by Yuuri´s warmth, he cannot care for that less. Life took away from him his health so he could be a little selfish. Maybe he will manage to keep his condition in secret until Grand Prix and then it won´t matter anymore? He took chemotherapy once a month - it was not so difficult to find an excuse to go out without Yuuri and to keep his dizziness few days after it for himself.   
It had to work.   
There is no another option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every comment and kudos is appreciated - it means world to me :) 
> 
> I am sorry for medical inaccuracy - I don´t want to focus on Victor´s condition (I think that there are many stories about cancer and medical stuff) but on reaction of Victor and others. You will see what I mean by this later :)


	3. Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes there is no way how to make things easier

Somehow all of Yakov´s trips go through Japan.

His previous coach would grumped that he has to make a lot of trips because they needed a new sponsors – lot of older ones stopped to support them when they were informed that Victor is not a part of a team anymore. And well, it is not his fault that his change is in Japan – he would be a terrible man if he would not take an opportunity and check his unpredictable student when he is in same country.

“Come and see his routine,” asked Victor and Yakov did so – that´s why they were standing in ring, Yakov looking at Yuuri´s practice and Victor looking at impressed Yakov.  
“He is… good,” he commented unwillingly blinking his eyes as he could not believe what he was seeing while the Japanese went through his program with elegance of an angel. Victor chuckled at his coach´s reaction.  
“His stamina is incredible, it is his biggest advantage. On the other hand, he has to lean on his muscle memory more than another skaters because he has difficulties to deal with stress.”  
“I see. He is really fragile psychically,” said Yakov slowly, nodding to himself with eyes on Yuuri, calculating. He was not good coach for nothing.  
“It is his curse and blessing at once. When he wants he is capable to express much more emotions by his choreography because in that very moment he really feels them. He just… feels everything too deeply.”  
They were looking at Yuuri in companionate silence for a while – triple axel, salchow another spins. Victor has to tell Yuuri about his bad momentum – he made the last spin only by skin of teeth…  
Victor took a deep breath suddenly unable to look at Yakov directly. It was as good chance to tell it as another, “I believe that my boyfriend can win gold, Yakov. He mainly needs help with his self – esteem.”  
“Vitya, you stupid boy,” snarled Yakov, staring at his pupil, “it is not time for another senseless romance-“  
“He knows,” said Victor quietly, “he knows _everything_ , Yakov.”

_“When did you want to tell me, Victor? Do you really think that I am so stupid?”_

“You told him?” asked Yakov in disbelief with lifted eyebrows.  
“No. he divined it from drugs in my bag. Actually he is far more intelligent he is given credit for.” 

_Yuuri cried in front of him openly and then he did not talk with him for three days. Victor was ready to leave him alone – to pack his things and go away from Japan if Yuuri tells him so. He knew that one day his happiness with Yuuri will end abruptly. He has already taken more that he deserved._  
But then one night he came to Victor room.  
“Stupid idiot,” he just said again and again, sitting on Victor´s futon, tears on his cheeks again, “you idiot.”  
Then they hugged and Victor allowed himself to cry about his condition for very first time, “I am so sorry. So so sorry,” he whispered to his ear again and again. And much later when they lied down and Victor did not know where his body ends and Yuuri´s begins, he added, “I just felt so alive with you. I did not want my sickness to destroy it, not yet.”  
“So what now?”  
“I will help him to win no matter what,” proclaimed Victor stubbornly.  
“Vitya…” sighed Yakov, “you are risking too much. I understand that you are confused but you can´t expect this fragile boy to deal with this,” said his mentor seriously, “it is unfair to him.”  
“I know, Yakov. I know it well,” Victor admitted.

_“It is my decision to make, Victor. If I can´t deal with your sickness I don´t deserve to be with you in your health."_  
_“I won´t be able to skate. I will be useless.”_  
_“You don´t understand, do you.”_ _“No, actually no.”_  


“And it will get only worse. You evidently feel well now but not for long. Chemotherapy is devastating.”  
_“I will stay by your side as long as you let me, Victor. That´s love.”_  
“We will make it through together,” answered Victor with certainty he did not actually feel – not yet. Yakov just murmured in response.  
“But you have to promise me that… if I ...” Victor was unable to say it aloud, choking with that words. But he has to say it for Yuuri´s sake at least, “ if something happens to me, you will take him as your student. He is too talented to retire just because of me.”

“Idiot,” barked Yakov so aloud that even Yuuri stopped to skate, “you will pull through and I will train both of you if you two wanted me to – don´t you dare to think otherwise.”  
Victor winked in surprise, taken aback by reaction of otherwise stoic man. People reacted in the strangest ways when he just trying to make sure that they will be okay without him. Why is it so?  
Victor looked at Yuuri who nodded silently with determined expression on his face.  
“Thank you, coach,” managed Victor to say. For some stupid reason he wanted to cry again.  
*** *** ***  
One night his telephone rang.  
Victor looked at his vibrating device at table little hesitantly – it was a little past ten in the evening, no common time for random calls, just for serious ones. He just took it to television room as habit and actually absolutely forgot about it in first place – he was comfortably snuggled to Yuuri, head in his lab watching some cheap soap opera in Japanese to improve his language (after they talked about his sickness Yuuri was much less private person as he used to be. Victor was not sure if he is happy or sad about it.)  
Victor pick it absently, focused on sensation of Yuuri´s fingers in his hair, “hello,” he murmured.  
Silence.  
And then the sob.  
Victor blinked in surprise, “is everything okay? Who´s there?”  
There were some curses in Russia between powerful sobs, “Yurio?” asked Victor, shocked, “Yurio, are you okay?”  
“Idiot. Stupid imbecile. How you dare to be sick and tell nothing to us and fuckingly leave?”

Victor´s heart missed a beat. It was not supposed to be like this, “Yurio, don´t-“

“I have found papers with your diagnosis in Yakov´s flat. _Cancer_ of all of things, are you serious, Nikiforov?” he snarled angrily and the sobbed again. His Yuuri looked at him with concern, warm hand on back of Victor´s neck as silent support.  
“Talk with Yakov then. He will tell you everything. Don´t worry too-“  
“You idiot. Train with your Katsudon – I won´t take you two easy just because of bloody cancer.”  
Then he hung up abruptly. 

He could count on fingers of one hand when he saw Yurio in tears. 

“I am called an idiot quite frequently, lately,” he said to Yuuri. He suddenly feels so tired, hands and legs too heavy to move properly. Was not it a right thing to do… not to tell a Yuri before he left? He just tried to protect him, protect them! They are not his family so why would they care about him so much that his decision made them… angry?

“Because you are,” said Yuuri looking down at him sadly and fondly at once, “only idiot would think that to not to tell your closest once about your condition would help us to avoid a pain.”  
“I just tried to make it easier,” protested Victor weakly.  
“And that´s only reason why I am not angry with you because of it. But you are too important to disappear without fuss. Why could not you know that?”  
_Because I was always alone before this. So so alone._  
But it was hilarious thing to say aloud – so he instead hided face into Yuuri´s stomach, wrapping his arms around Yuuri´s waist.  
“Ah, Vitya. You _are_ the idiot.”  
Victor never felt so loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri has problems with too much attention and stress but in some cases he can be much stronger that people would guess. He would never let his beloved ones down.  
> Yurio is just angry kitten unable to express his emotions properly. He is focused too much at competitions, wrapped in the illusion that his ring mates (and mainly Victor) will be around him forever - after all, Victor was god of ice even before Yuri started to compete seriously. So news about Victor´s condition hit him really hard. 
> 
> Please, if you like this story, let me know. It means a lot for me :)


	4. old tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How is it possible that they do not see? though Victor. How they cannot see that Yuuri Katsuki is stronger one in their relationship?

As cliché as it was, there really _were_ bad and good days. 

Thank´s God, good ones created majority – at least for now.  
The worst one was always day after chemotherapy. It was time when he just felt sick and weak, his muscles toned by years of training useless and his spirit low. That days Yuuri would stay with him in their bed without care about training, cuddling with him whispering stories from his childhood into his ear until he fell asleep. 

There will be more days like that in near future. He was aware of it.

Nevertheless, he made sure he does his maximum with Yuuri, staying in his room only when pain was unbearable. Thanks God for Yuuri´s talent – he needed far less instructions than Victor thought he would. More necessarily was to get mastered moves into his muscle memory and that Yuuri could done without his assistance if it will be needed.  
But they had another problem – Yuuri did not have exhibition program. Not yet.

Victor had it prepared in his head for Yuuri. But he was not in state to show it to Yuuri – so how was his pupil supposed to know what he want him to master?  
His legs were too weak to do jumps and his limbs too heavy to perform elegantly and with grace although he saw everything in his head so clearly. It was not only frustrating – it was heartbreaking. 

“You are too quiet today. Are you okay, Vitya?”  
“Of course,” he answered, “just thinking about your exhibition program.”  
“Ah, about that,” said his lover with straightness so typical for him, “do you remember when you said that maybe I should try it to do it myself?”  
He did not wait for Victor´s answer, skating to the centre of ice, “topic is the most important things,” he shouted.

And then he started.  
There was no music in background – probably Yuuri did not find something suitable yet – but it doesn´t matter since Yuuri started to create music by his body, taking Victor in his own world created by passion and movement, shifting reality like it was the easiest thing in the world. This was the reason why he has chosen Yuuri Katsuki as student. 

This was the talent which will make Yuuri better skater than Victor was one day.  
Victor tried to pay attention mainly to the program as whole, to the feeling and impression ignoring the fact that he is shivering – his body is more sensitive about cold nowadays. But it does not matter. It just _doesn´t_ , he told himself. Yuuri needs me here.  
His student meanwhile started with lovely movements, pure and innocent like mother stroking a cheek of her beloved child. It was easy to hear a peaks in imaginary music in parts where Yuuri jumped, pleading for someone… something…  
Then the second part came – this one was without jump and spins but as difficult as first one – it was full of Yuuri´s speciality, his step sequences. They were complicated and it made impression like Yuuri run for someone, chasing but never reaching.  
And then the finale…  
Firstly Victor thought that Yuuri slowed down because of exhaustion. But then he saw that his moves are still too focused for him to be just tired. The finale was incredibly complicated sit spin.  
His final position was on his knees- but not like broken man just like someone…. Like someone… who nearly lost? But it was not a loss, not yet.

“Yuuri! It was incredible!”  
His student stood up and skated to him, “really?”  
“Of course,” he said as he gave him a bottle to refresh, “it will need adjustments of course but as point where to start it is perfect. But what is a story behind it?” 

“It is based on tale my mum used to tell me before sleep,” he told him as he sit down on the bench to relax a little, “once upon a time, a king met a three brothers. They said that they are three the most important people in life of man – he had to guess their names or he would never live a happy life.”  
“What a strange story,” commented Victor, puzzled, why was Yuuri inspirited by this.  
“Well, it will be even creepier,” chuckled Yuuri, looking at his skates instead of Victor, “the names of three brothers were Love, Time and Death.”

Oh.

“I see,” answered Victor, “the first part was love, second time expressed by your step sequences was time and the third one…”  
“Death,” nodded Yuuri, “yeah.”  
He could not bear Yuuri´s eyes on him. Not right now.  
“I am still trying to figure out who represents these tree aspect in my life. I am sure only in one.”  
“Which one?” whispered Victor.  
“Love,” he said softly.  
*** *** ***  
Much later in their bed Victor started to think about it much more – of course he does, by this program Yuuri practically challenged him to do so and both of them were aware of it.  
So, who was his Love, his Time and his Death? 

Well, first part was easy to answer – it was Yuuri. Of _course_ it was Yuuri and it always will be Yuuri. Victor did not care how sappy it seems to be to other persons because these people do not know how lonely he was in his life – almost everyone in his life was temporary coming and going away as it seems that Victor was made of ice itself, scaring people away from him. They did not saw him celebrating his b-day in his apartment alone only with his dog. They just came to admire final product of hard work and pretending – untouchable (quite too literally) Victor Nikiforov, star of the ice who can have whoever he wants. 

With Yuuri the life itself came back to him in form of warm homemade food of Yuuri´s mother, in quiet morning spend in bed cuddled with his partner, in burst of laughter, with surprises, so many surprises. 

With Yuuri love came, in way how younger skater stroked his hair while he was curled in fetal position feeling sick after receiving the chemo. It could be seen in Yuuri´s fond smile and sparkle when he looked at Victor, in his delicate touches, in his skating. 

Yakov was concerned that Yuuri won´t be able to deal with Victor´s burden and to be honest, Victor was unsure too. But it was before Yuuri started to keep him company during every chemo session and staying up with Victor during all night and then going to train without Victor without a word of complain. It was before Yuuri hold him so many times when he was crying about his condition, frustrated, angry and so _weak _whispering to him _we will make it through._ It was before Victor once asked _why are you staying with me?_ And Yuuri answered _we are both sad because of possible lack of time we had ahead us together. It would be illogical to me to shorten even that time which is given to us._  
Yuuri was not a showman. He would never yell from the roof of building on top of his lungs that he was in love. He would never go in fist fight with someone – his strength was not in brutal force so typical for man. Actually, this man was so introverted it was difficult to notice him in the crowd. He would rather stay home and read book instead of going out. __

__But he was always there when he was needed, steady pillar of Victor. He would never speak against someone or he was never really good with words – but his actions spoke louder, so much louder than any words can. And in the end, actions were much more important than any promise._ _

__He learnt to respect Yuuri for who he was although in the beginning he consider him weak. But now he finally see. He see a man who will raise up again and again after falls on ice, who will suffer for you quietly, who will do impossible for you in believe that if he will try hard enough he can make things better._ _

__How can´t another people around them see how brave Yuuri Katsuki is? That in their relationship _Yuuri_ is stronger one? _ _

__(Yuuri and his mother were similar in character – they both just do what is needed without any fuss , quietly, so only after many months Yuuri´s mum eventually admitted how many times her son cried in her arms for Victor, not want his sick boyfriend to see him. And you know what? He loves Yuuri for his weakness even more because although he is afraid and sad he still found the strength for both of them.)_ _

__So of course that Yuuri is his Love._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fact: Yuuri´s mum always make sure to prepare light dishes after Victor´s chemo so even his son´s sick coach is able to eat them and not throw up.


	5. my death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it is really hard to ask for help...

It was bottomless night in Japan. 

Victor knew it was illogical to say so but it was how he felt, there was no sound except of Yuri´s deep breaths, no light in Yuri´s room except of light of stars outside.   
Victor stood up silently, making sure that Yuuri is covered with blankets properly and went from the room with mobile phone in his hand in spite how exhausted he was.

Victor looked at his phone, holding it tightly. Then he sighed, somehow beaten. He was used to do things alone. He actually did not remember when he had to ask for help, like _really_ ask. When he was younger he learnt quickly that all help from others has its prize so he just stopped. But this was for Yuuri…   
In Japan it was night. But in Russia…

His phone rings three times before someone picked it up.

“Yurio?” asked Victor silently, hands in fists, “I need... your help.”  
*** *** ***   
When he woke up that morning Yuuri was already in rink. 

Victor blinked slowly in the day light, feeling sluggish and dizzy. He turned at his side slowly and soft moan escaped from his lips. When he finally stood up he was covered in cold sweet from effort like he had a temperature. He cursed in Russian.

He hated it. He hated it so _much_. 

Everything around him was quiet, Katsuki family already working and too kind to wake him up on time. He just prepared himself for his day in his own pace, avoiding kitchen – in days like this one even smell of food made him sick.   
When he was like this he felt like he was in his own dimension. Nobody was harsh to him, nobody hurried him into work and nobody asked him anything. This dimension was slower and lonelier that world he used to live in.   
Victor was scared by it. He went to the ice castle, ignoring painkillers Yuuri put him on the table next to their bed – after them he felt better but his head was full of cotton, unable to focus on Yuuri´s routines properly. They cannot afford that, not before season. 

 

When he came to the castle, he was greeted by Yuuri´s warm smile and rather similar scowl from Yakov and Yuri. He waved to skaters on ice to continue with training- it was less effort than to yell his own greetings- and accompanied Yakov. Yuri put hand on Yuuri´s arm and growled, “again, piggy.”

For some time they watched Yuuri´s attempt to master double Salchow under Yuri in companionable silence. Just sometimes Victor sighed in sympathy when Yuuri failed too many times in row or Yakov grumped amusedly when Yuri said to his temporary student something extremely sassy. 

“I was surprised when Yuri agreed to teach Katsuki,” his coach said. Victor shivered because of cold and hugged himself, ignoring older´s man concerned gaze.  
“I knew that if I asked you to come you would do that for me but it was unfair to Yuri to take his coach away from him for some time before season so…”  
“You left that decision on Yuri himself.”  
“More or less,” shrugged Victor, “I was not sure about his reaction but I did not have another choice. In this condition I can´t show this jump to Yuuri.” he could heard bitterness in his voice but it cannot be helped.

“Patience, stupid boy. It will be better.”  
“I know,” sighed Victor. In that moment Yuuri landed the jump for the first time without fail.   
“Good! Again!” ordered him Yuri before Victor could.   
Yakov snorted, “Yuri get on with your boyfriend surprisingly well. It is also plus that that kid love challenges as much as you do. He wants fine opponents even if he has to help them to achieve their potential.”  
“He is good kid under all that teenage drama,” agreed Victor with soft smile. 

“He is not a kid for really long time. Both of us knew that, Vitya,” reminded him Yakov, taking his eyes off skater and looking directly into his eyes.

And Victor knew – child version of Yuri Pilisetski died long time ago during hard training and harsh routines, died when he started to live only with his grandpa. Yuri Pilisetski lived since is twelve years in belief that his success in skating is main source of money for him and his Grandpa who was too old to work, only thing which could paid food, and medication for two of them although it was not true. Yakov would never let it go so far, he cared too much for his students for that, hell, Victor would paid all their expenses without hesitation too, but that awareness… that desire and pride of Yuri to take care about himself and his only legal family made him grown up in some aspects too early.   
“How is he?” asked Victor, not really sure if his question is relevant – is Yuri really affected by his sickness like he seemed to be during that harsh call of his?

“More quiet like before. But he is coping. He knew he has to,” he murmured, “he started to skype with that Kazakhstan skater again after your call.”  
Victor blinked in surprise, “you mean Otabek?”  
“Yes, that one,” agreed older Russian, “and don´t ask me more about two of them – I don´t know and I don´t want to,” he said and broke out when Yuri yelled at Yuuri. Victor chuckled. No more was said.   
Victor watched skaters long after Yakov went to get some food for all of them. He was in pain although he already had a practise in ignoring it, cold which was painfully familiar and actually painful and jealous of both of skaters, their ability to skate – he belonged to them on ice. But he can´t. not yet but according to his specialist he was making progress?… evidently… 

He will skate with them again. For sure.   
But when he was looking at their beautiful jumps and spins full of elegance he realized one thing.

Yuri Pilisetski is his Death.   
Or at least one they he will be death of Victor Nikiforov the legend of ice, breaking his records. Both Yuuri and Yuri will but Yuri is more ambitious to do so. 

Victor could not say how he felt about it. 

At least… young Yuri died in his own way too and rebirthed into something stronger and more beautiful. Maybe Russian punk can help him to become someone better too? Someone who is not just a skater but a man who is able to truly live his life? To love unconditionally? 

“I will torn into pieces, Katsudon!” yelled the blond at his scared boyfriend and their started to… chase each other on ice? Victor shook his head fondly, after all regretting that he did not take his pills today – he would at least have something to blame for these strange considerations.

But he was here. He was still here with them and it was only thing that mattered.


	6. my death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trip

“Is this _really_ good idea, Victor?” asked his Yuuri for the fifth time in the row and he had good reason for it – Victor was short for breath, sweating and stopping after every ten stairs or so but God, it seems that that path to that Shinto temple is endless.

“Absolutely,” proclaimed Victor and put himself straight again. He had the good day today and he took his medicine and they all needed a little fun to let off steam so he found this temple near to the Hatetsu on the internet and arranged everything for them.   
Yakov sighed heavily and murmured, “I am not paid enough for this,” then he put his arm around Victor´s waist to support him, his boyfriend doing the very same from another side, “you don´t have to do this.”  
“Nice try Vitya. Now walk,” said Yakov. So Victor did, leaning on Yuuri´s skinny figure and Yakov´s surprisingly strong arms – after all what happened he was far behind point when his self-esteem meant everything to him. 

It was so much easier to get through everything with support of another people. He learnt his lesson well. 

Victor really tried to enjoy himself – after all this place _was_ beautiful. They were firstly climbing on stairs and then through stunning pathway surrounded by sakura trees. Everything was quiet, frozen in time except of pink petals of sakura´s trees slowly falling on winding stony path.   
“We are going only to the first _torii_. I am too old for this,” said Yakov and although all of them knew that only one who cannot do this is Victor, he appreciated his sentiment.  
“Okay, coach,” breathed out Victor and leaned into Yuuri little more – he did not want to admit it but pain was coming back to him, “Yuuri, dear, tell us something about this place,” he asked in effort to distract himself. 

Yuuri turned his head, amused and worried at once, “you wanted to go to the place you know nothing about and I am not even surprised by it anymore,” he smiled a little but then he was serious again, “well, this red gates are called _toriis_ but you already know that. According to the legends _torii_ is here for phoenix to perch upon and rest when they decide to visit the earth. They are also gates from earth to the heaven.”  
“I thought that you Japanese are atheists?” asked Victor.   
“Officially yes,” nodded Yuuri in agreement, “ but we still believe in urban monsters who cruise through night to kill careless people and into forests ghosts too. We still buy each other charms for health or love and another things,” he shrugged, “all of us need to believe something in some level. So we at least wonder about afterlife if nothing else.”  
“I need a break,” said Victor.

“Sure,” said Yuuri quietly and together with Yakov he put him on nearest bench, “it is okay,” he added and stroked his cheek, “take a deep breaths.”

And Victor did – this was a routine between two of them, Yuuri always somehow knows what to do. World was spinning around Victor and it was even worse when he closed his eyes. He felt cold and hot at once and utterly exhausted – he never felt so tired in his life. Even if he had skated his Stay close to me three times in row he would not feel like this.   
“You are my love,” he murmured to Yuuri, thankful for skater´s hands tenderly stroking his neck and his bare scalp covered only by scarf . He felt them and suddenly he did not – he forced his heavy eyelids open only to find out that Yuuri and Yakov are standing behind first _torii_. He blinked in attempt to chase off dizziness but world spins, spins and _spins_ and he is so weak he just want to put himself on that bench and sleep for eternity. 

 

“C´mon, we need to go,” growled Yuri who is suddenly standing beside Yakov – when did he get here?   
“You can do it, love,” said his Yuuri tenderly, reassuringly.   
Victor wanted to ask why did they stand up without him– is this their way how to show him he is too weak to continue this trip? Or this is just playful challenge? But they would do it to him right now-  
“We don´t have a time, Victor. Stand up,” ordered Yakov and Victor wanted to laugh – of _course_ that Yakov, man who represents his Time because he did not changed a little during decade of his training with Victor would hurry him up. But he stands and go, step by another painful step, panting heavily. 

It is just twenty steps but it seems like eternity.

He did it to the first _torii_ and then looked up to them, leaning into pillar of that gate desperately. He wanted to ask for help but he somehow _couldn´t_. Like it was one of that strange dreams where you can do nothing.   
“Come here, my Vitya,” said Yuuri softly with eyes full of love, “do that last step. For me.”

And Victor, called like sailor by sirens, did.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“VICTOR!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, for that dreamy strange end I have two explanations.   
> 1\. Victor really just overdone it, fell asleep and trip to the toriis was just a dream. After the while Yuuri will come into their room in Hatetsu, smiling tenderly at sleeping Victor and then he would just let him rest more.   
> 2\. It was... reality. Victor´s condition was worsening not improving and he was just persuading himself about progress all the time. Everybody saw that and that´s the reason why they reacted so strongly to everything about Victor. He REALLY lied down during trip and then had hallucinations about his Love, Time and Death, his body exhausted. Yuuri called ambulance when he could not woke up Victor and he was hospitalized but he died shortly afterwards. 
> 
> IT IS UP TO YOU TO CHOOSE YOUR END OF THIS STORY. At university my professor taught me that author actually does not know about everything what happens in his story and I really like that idea. So my preferred choice is as valid as yours :)).
> 
> THANK YOU FOR KUDOS AND READING and see you later :)))

**Author's Note:**

> Please, if you find some gramma mistakes, let me know. 
> 
> Note: Victor´s parents got divorced when he was six. His mother tried to take care about Victor but he was just too much for her, only Yakov knew how to deal with him properly. Nor Victor nor Yakov now know how to describe their relationship - Yakov wanted to be just Victor´s coach but he knew too much about him and got him out from too many difficult situations to not to care about him. Victor is attached to him because he is only fair father figure in his life.


End file.
